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Dear imposters,
For many years now, it has bothered me that there are so many people collaborating to destroy my reputation. At first, I was flattered that someone was trying to pose as me but the joke grew stale very quickly. With each new novel, poem or essay, my reputation lost a little more of its sheen. It has now come to a point where I feel I must do something about this, which is why I am writing this letter.
I am aware that imitation is the sincerest form of flattery but this is too much. If you want to write something, at least put your name on it. One would think this ought to be common knowledge but apparently there are thousands of individuals who suffer from identity crisis and seem to think that they are me.
My name has been dragged through the mud countless times by imposters who write nothing like I do. My prose is unique. It reflects my innermost feelings and is peppered with implicit references to the things that I have learned over the years. My writing style may not be the pinnacle of my art but it is mine and I would like to keep it that way.
I cannot begin to describe how much it pains me to read sappy slobber, dry descriptions and political propaganda with my name on it. Not long ago I came across a poem entitled "Consumed by love", the content of which would make even Casanova himself cringe. The lyrics included such gems as "your eyes are like limpid pools of turquoise" and "your hair is like silk spun out of sunshine". I had no idea Danielle Steels was among the ranks of my admirers.
Another time I happened to read a magazine article in one of those glossy computer magazines - the kind that seem to think they exist for the sole purpose of boosting the market share of a certain company whose name begins with M. This article consumed an entire two-page spread to extol the virtues of a product whose name escapes me. By the time I had finished with the first couple of paragraphs, it occurred to me that mailing this individual a copy of my old Writer's Craft textbook might be a good idea. I looked to the byline for the authors name and was completely shocked to find that the individual responsible for this ghastly waste of words was apparently none other than myself.
On yet another occasion my attention was drawn to an editorial in a copy of the Post that I found lying on a freshly vacated bus seat. What caught my attention was the sight of the words "Tory" and "justice" in the same sentence, without the word "not" to keep them from lunging at each other's throats. As I read through the editorial, it became painfully obvious that the editor was a member of the strata of society that was supposedly eliminated during the French Revolution. This editor had used disjointed assumptions to arrive at the conclusion that giving more money to people who use it to line their fireplaces is an excellent way to ensure that the standard of living continues to rise. Once again I was distressed to learn that the culprit had managed to pose as your truly.
Recently someone quoted me in a discussion and looked to me for affirmation. I was stunned to learn that I had been credited with the line, "The pen may be mightier than the sword but the camcorder blows them both away". I could not recall ever having written such a thing. Imagine how you would feel if that happened to you.
In closing, I beseech all of you who seem to think it is funny to make a mockery of my work to cease and desist. If this situation does not begin to improve, I may have to change my name. If that happens, the world will have nobody to thank for the huge volume of literature that has been generated in my name.
Most sincerely yours,
Anonymous.